so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
