can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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