i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
