Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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