before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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