so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
