It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
