Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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