Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize