she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
