Your dad touched me again.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
