i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
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the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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