Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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