I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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