1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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