there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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