my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
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Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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