you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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