There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
