I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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