he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You made out with two different species that night
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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