Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
