just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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