I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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