i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
