I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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