I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
