Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
