I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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