just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
