this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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