Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
