Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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