I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
