I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize