Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
