I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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