there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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