so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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