I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
