thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
