I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
