I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think pants incapable of making pants work
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
