i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
