did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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