see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
