saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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