pop tarts are not kleenex
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
