I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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