Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
