the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
