She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
