I heard we made out
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
