the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
